You Can Not Go Back

You can not go back , to places and times, and expect them to be the same as they were before , things change , people change , if they did not it would be awful really as  I found out , found out the hard way .

We recently went on holidays to Victoria , the place  I was born and the place where  I had many ,many memories  , I went back for several reasons , 1 to see family , 2 to see places  from my past , and places hubby had never been to at all , 3 to lay some ghosts to rest . It was a trip a long time in the planning as it was hard to get hubby away from work , but when that was achieved we set off , flying down  to get started on a trip that was also a real break for us as it had been a while . Was so good to land there and again be  with family we had not seen for sometime, thankfully places like Faceache and  Twitter and  E Mail  does keep us in touch but it is not the same as being with them .

The main reason I wanted to go back was to re-live in a way some of my past , to see if what I had known all those years was either still there or changed . A lot of it was still there but changed so much  they were to me unrecognisable , 1 place , a coffee shop was so changed I do not care if  I never go there again , and it used to be my favourite coffee shop . The owners  I had known and had a great relationship with had long gone , sadly having lost it all to gambling . Other places were gone altogether , only 1 place remained exactly as  I remember it  though the staff  I used to know were long  gone . To walk down the streets of places you have not been to for many , many years is creepy to say the least , especially as it all just looks  un-real  with nothing being  anything like what you thought it should still look like . If like me you have  this silly idea that maybe enough of it would be the same that it would feel like you had never even left , then the reality hits and you know  it has changed and will keep changing that this place will never ,ever be the same as you remember it  , so no good to think like that anymore , and it is best too I think now that it does keep changing , just hope it is all for the best .

Going back after all this time , roughly about 30 years and more since  I had last been there is as  I said erie , felt so weird , like something out of a horror movie , and the more  I walked and looked the worse it seemed . It was not only the places but also the people who had changed , some long  ago  having left to go elsewhere . Going back it might  seem funny but  somehow I kind of thought all those people  I had known would  still be there , why I thought this I do not know  but  in the back of my mind I half expected it to still be much the same as before . Silly really when you realise I had been away so many years , travelled so far , why on earth did I think it would be the same  ? A reluctance to let go of what you had held as happy memories , or memories that you just need to  put to rest for once and for all to be free of them.

So  why this almost unreasonable urge to back ? To go back in time as it were  ? For me best  I can think of it was to see if  it really was gone or changed or still the same ? There are so very many memories  for me back there  , some very good , some very , very bad , and  I guess  I just needed to know the bad were really gone and to be able to say that is now the end , and close the book on it and move on. Also to see or find out if the people  I had known and thought of as friends  were still the same and would still think of me as a friend , sadly though some said they were really happy to be going to meet up with me again , never lived up to it and I saw none of them. Some family too has changed , and not in a way I like , that too is very sad , but that too will be left in the past .

So all in all the trip was ( for me especially )  a closing of a chapter , a chapter in my life that was over and done with , the book is now firmly closed and  I will move on even though some of what  I found out hurt , that too is done with . I had , had this overwhelming  desire , almost overwhelming  for me to need to go live back in Victoria , as this was where I had been born and bought up , now that desire is dead , and I will just look forward to a new life with my lovely hubby  and the past can stay there , in the past , it will no longer be allowed to hurt me , will not worry me at all if  I never go back there , am more than happy to just stay here . Things are better here now than they had ever been in Victoria  so now that , that need is sorted and gone it will be best for us both.

 

So it seems that the saying  ” you can never go back  ” has been proved 100%  by me and as far as  I am concerned  that saying is all too true . As far as I can tell there is very little , if any good to come from going back , to the  past life or people or places , if you do you will not find what you think you might , and what you do find has a good chance of hurting you , so as they say  do not go back . I feel so much better for having been there and done that and am happy to leave it in the past …

I bet the butcher the other day that he couldn’t reach the meat that was on the top shelf. He refused to take the bet, saying that the steaks were too high.

 

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